It's nice to meet Vikram every once in a while...
I feel hopeful about a lot of stuff again. I wish for everyone to have a friend like I do. I wish him the best. I know he'll always be there and for my part I'll go to last corner of hell for him. I'm blessed, I know.
Thanks Vik, for being Vik.
P.S. Written with 4 beers down and not at all high.
Monday, October 19, 2009
The Rainmaker
Something brought this incident back to me today…
We were in 6th Grade when one of the guys told someone that he could make it rain whenever he wanted!! The second guy walked up to our Math teacher and told him about this. Now our math teacher was an absolute sadist. The kind who would wack us with hockey sticks on our bottoms! Also, he was apparently a devout Christian who didn’t take blasphemy very well (obviously). Except when he was pissed off he’d say, “You’re going to wish to God you were never born”. Most people would break down at that sentence.
Anyway, so the teacher was really amused at this claim of making it rain whenever this guys wants. He called this boy right up to the front of the class, pulled out a hockey stick and told him, “Make it rain”. The boy turned around and said that it doesn’t work that way. He can only do it on certain days. (Did I mention the teacher and this boy in my personal opinion were intellectually challenged?) Now this man is freakin’ pissed off at this tall and confident claim! So he turns to this guys (remember it was 6th grade) and tells him, “I’ll crack your skull if you don’t make it rain”. I’m going to tell you at the end of this post what I thought of the entire episode. So keep reading.
Now our rainmaker is shitting green! He knows if he doesn’t do something quick he going to get the beating of his life; that’s when he decides to faint! Obviously, faking it. Our teacher freaks out thinking this boy fainted because he was so scared and he throws a hapless fit screaming for someone to take the boy to the infirmary. Somehow all of in class knew that the little fuck was faking it. A couple of guys carried this guy out of class in the stretcher position, walked 2 floors down, when our hero decides to wake up and tell them he’s just lying. And what did they do? They carried him in the same position back to class and told this teacher.
Our teacher felt like a complete idiot now. It’s not every day that you make an ass of yourself in front of fifty 12 year olds. Out comes the hockey stick again and the verdict is “best of 5” (which means you get 5 shots on your ass with the hockey. The worst is best of 6, so you can imagine the extent of the crime). 1, 2, 3 (aaaah), 4 (sir, pleeeeease, sorry) and “slam” 5!! The boy went crying back to his seat. The bell rang for the class to be over. Our teacher stepped out of the class. It rained.
Thinking back – I remember thinking what a nincompoop adult gets personal with a 12 year old and what even bigger idiot claims he can make it rain. But the biggest idiot of them all is the guy who complained to our teacher. It was July and it would have rained sooner or later!
The teacher walked back into our class looked at this guys who’s holding his ass in both his hands and says, “Shit, how did you do that” (If vehicles could be fueled on stupidity – this man could make a trip to the moon and back, EVERYDAY!)
P.S. The girl said she can make the sun shine on an overcast day. Yeah, the sun did shine 3 hours later.
We were in 6th Grade when one of the guys told someone that he could make it rain whenever he wanted!! The second guy walked up to our Math teacher and told him about this. Now our math teacher was an absolute sadist. The kind who would wack us with hockey sticks on our bottoms! Also, he was apparently a devout Christian who didn’t take blasphemy very well (obviously). Except when he was pissed off he’d say, “You’re going to wish to God you were never born”. Most people would break down at that sentence.
Anyway, so the teacher was really amused at this claim of making it rain whenever this guys wants. He called this boy right up to the front of the class, pulled out a hockey stick and told him, “Make it rain”. The boy turned around and said that it doesn’t work that way. He can only do it on certain days. (Did I mention the teacher and this boy in my personal opinion were intellectually challenged?) Now this man is freakin’ pissed off at this tall and confident claim! So he turns to this guys (remember it was 6th grade) and tells him, “I’ll crack your skull if you don’t make it rain”. I’m going to tell you at the end of this post what I thought of the entire episode. So keep reading.
Now our rainmaker is shitting green! He knows if he doesn’t do something quick he going to get the beating of his life; that’s when he decides to faint! Obviously, faking it. Our teacher freaks out thinking this boy fainted because he was so scared and he throws a hapless fit screaming for someone to take the boy to the infirmary. Somehow all of in class knew that the little fuck was faking it. A couple of guys carried this guy out of class in the stretcher position, walked 2 floors down, when our hero decides to wake up and tell them he’s just lying. And what did they do? They carried him in the same position back to class and told this teacher.
Our teacher felt like a complete idiot now. It’s not every day that you make an ass of yourself in front of fifty 12 year olds. Out comes the hockey stick again and the verdict is “best of 5” (which means you get 5 shots on your ass with the hockey. The worst is best of 6, so you can imagine the extent of the crime). 1, 2, 3 (aaaah), 4 (sir, pleeeeease, sorry) and “slam” 5!! The boy went crying back to his seat. The bell rang for the class to be over. Our teacher stepped out of the class. It rained.
Thinking back – I remember thinking what a nincompoop adult gets personal with a 12 year old and what even bigger idiot claims he can make it rain. But the biggest idiot of them all is the guy who complained to our teacher. It was July and it would have rained sooner or later!
The teacher walked back into our class looked at this guys who’s holding his ass in both his hands and says, “Shit, how did you do that” (If vehicles could be fueled on stupidity – this man could make a trip to the moon and back, EVERYDAY!)
P.S. The girl said she can make the sun shine on an overcast day. Yeah, the sun did shine 3 hours later.
We, The Indians!
We, The Indians are an absolute rare sample of humanity. Don’t get me wrong yet. Read on and if you look inside you (it’s not so melodramatic) you’ll agree with me.
We are crazily in awe of white skin. Where else in the world do you find “Fair and Lovely”? Most western countries have tanning products!! They even have tanning places. When I was in the US I saw at least 50 of these shops in a small town close to Chicago. It was called “Beach Bum” (the shop not the town). They asked me if we have those in India, I told them that the entire country is “Beach Bum”! Some where inside we (especially the men) know that they love our tan and a lot of people I know have got a lot of booty for it! Yet we all want to be fair…
Let’s not even get into accents. I think it’s like a part of growing up as Indian kids! It’s like some weird hormone takes over at the age of 16 where everyone has a twang or a stiff upper lip! Until they meet someone who has a real accent and then end up speaking with the real Indian accent which the westerners find extremely cute (hot in some cases)! But our obsession with “How ya doin’ maye (mate)” never ends…
We all want to end up working for some non-Indian mutli-national firm. We treat our western counter parts like Gods! Their word is the gospel (and more). But deep inside us we know how stupid they are and how little they know. Math is like an alien language for them. Yet we suck up to them like they are the last hope we have…
Traveling abroad is always so high on every Indian’s agenda and dream. We forget to see the beauty in our own country. We forget we have the mountains, the seas, the deserts and the north-east. Honestly, I didn’t find anything so great about being abroad. Except that it’s very clean and organized and mostly kept that way by the Indians who stay there. I wonder what happens to us in our own country???
I’m not trying to be patriotic here. I’m probably one of the least patriotic people and one of the most likely to leave this country. But I don’t obsess with fair skin, fancy accents, stupid westerners and foreign lands! I like being Indian for reasons that I think only Indians can know (try buying 5 cigarettes in the US). I love the idea of wada-pav and samosas. I love the thought of being able to ride a bike to everywhere without worrying which part of the road I should be on. I love the part where because of my extremely skewed academic system I’m good with numbers. I’m happy my balls don’t freeze every year for three months (those thermals can be very itchy by the way).
I may leave this country but I’ll surely let every one know where ever I am, what Indians are made of!
P.S. I read recently that Indians are residents of all countries in the world, save for 3. I wonder what they’re doing in Somalia.
We are crazily in awe of white skin. Where else in the world do you find “Fair and Lovely”? Most western countries have tanning products!! They even have tanning places. When I was in the US I saw at least 50 of these shops in a small town close to Chicago. It was called “Beach Bum” (the shop not the town). They asked me if we have those in India, I told them that the entire country is “Beach Bum”! Some where inside we (especially the men) know that they love our tan and a lot of people I know have got a lot of booty for it! Yet we all want to be fair…
Let’s not even get into accents. I think it’s like a part of growing up as Indian kids! It’s like some weird hormone takes over at the age of 16 where everyone has a twang or a stiff upper lip! Until they meet someone who has a real accent and then end up speaking with the real Indian accent which the westerners find extremely cute (hot in some cases)! But our obsession with “How ya doin’ maye (mate)” never ends…
We all want to end up working for some non-Indian mutli-national firm. We treat our western counter parts like Gods! Their word is the gospel (and more). But deep inside us we know how stupid they are and how little they know. Math is like an alien language for them. Yet we suck up to them like they are the last hope we have…
Traveling abroad is always so high on every Indian’s agenda and dream. We forget to see the beauty in our own country. We forget we have the mountains, the seas, the deserts and the north-east. Honestly, I didn’t find anything so great about being abroad. Except that it’s very clean and organized and mostly kept that way by the Indians who stay there. I wonder what happens to us in our own country???
I’m not trying to be patriotic here. I’m probably one of the least patriotic people and one of the most likely to leave this country. But I don’t obsess with fair skin, fancy accents, stupid westerners and foreign lands! I like being Indian for reasons that I think only Indians can know (try buying 5 cigarettes in the US). I love the idea of wada-pav and samosas. I love the thought of being able to ride a bike to everywhere without worrying which part of the road I should be on. I love the part where because of my extremely skewed academic system I’m good with numbers. I’m happy my balls don’t freeze every year for three months (those thermals can be very itchy by the way).
I may leave this country but I’ll surely let every one know where ever I am, what Indians are made of!
P.S. I read recently that Indians are residents of all countries in the world, save for 3. I wonder what they’re doing in Somalia.
Giving Up
I’d be lying if I say I’m not the quitting types. Anyone who says that would be lying. Patience after all, is a limited resource.
I’m trying to think of the many times that I have quit or given up. It could be on a simple task or complicated people. I’m trying to think of the times that may have mattered. I can find so many incidents where I just ran away or stopped trying. Honestly, I think it turned out alright but I just wonder what would’ve happened if I’d just kept on at it.
Winner never quit they say. Well okay, I’m not the winner types either then. I’m the type who’ll face something, know if I can deal with it or not and then just run away if needed. I’ve known people who always preached about never giving up and fighting till the last drop of blood in you and all that, but I think sometimes it’s a smarter decision to let go.
So, you’re wondering what’s all this about. You want to read the famous catch in the post? You think I’m going to say something smart? Huh? Well I ask you this – how can I say anything smart in a post that talks about me being a person who gives up on stuff. I know this is not the most self respecting thing to talk about, but it’s the truth. Personally I believe that everyone is like this. At some point or another we all give up. The one’s that don’t are called martyrs and certainly not Martins!
Let’s from here on stop referring to this act as giving up or quitting or running away. From now we shall call it “making choices”. So I was talking about the choices I’ve made. I think we should feel lucky that we have choices. When some one in a senior position in my company leaves they call it “pursuing opportunities”. My Foot!
So here’s the reason for this post. I’m soon going to “make choices” with my job. I just can’t handle the bureaucracy and convenient leadership. I’m tired of dragging the dead weight of incompetent people and receiving shit for work they can’t do. My job is the role I always wanted – but not in this place for sure. I’m going to pursue opportunities. I hope I find the opportunities though!
Who ever said winner don’t quit was lying through his teeth. I think winners make the right choices (unless of course they fight cancer or something like that).
Think about this – Winners never make choices or winners never pursue opportunities. Tell me now, don’t you agree it’s a load of monkey crap!
I’m trying to think of the many times that I have quit or given up. It could be on a simple task or complicated people. I’m trying to think of the times that may have mattered. I can find so many incidents where I just ran away or stopped trying. Honestly, I think it turned out alright but I just wonder what would’ve happened if I’d just kept on at it.
Winner never quit they say. Well okay, I’m not the winner types either then. I’m the type who’ll face something, know if I can deal with it or not and then just run away if needed. I’ve known people who always preached about never giving up and fighting till the last drop of blood in you and all that, but I think sometimes it’s a smarter decision to let go.
So, you’re wondering what’s all this about. You want to read the famous catch in the post? You think I’m going to say something smart? Huh? Well I ask you this – how can I say anything smart in a post that talks about me being a person who gives up on stuff. I know this is not the most self respecting thing to talk about, but it’s the truth. Personally I believe that everyone is like this. At some point or another we all give up. The one’s that don’t are called martyrs and certainly not Martins!
Let’s from here on stop referring to this act as giving up or quitting or running away. From now we shall call it “making choices”. So I was talking about the choices I’ve made. I think we should feel lucky that we have choices. When some one in a senior position in my company leaves they call it “pursuing opportunities”. My Foot!
So here’s the reason for this post. I’m soon going to “make choices” with my job. I just can’t handle the bureaucracy and convenient leadership. I’m tired of dragging the dead weight of incompetent people and receiving shit for work they can’t do. My job is the role I always wanted – but not in this place for sure. I’m going to pursue opportunities. I hope I find the opportunities though!
Who ever said winner don’t quit was lying through his teeth. I think winners make the right choices (unless of course they fight cancer or something like that).
Think about this – Winners never make choices or winners never pursue opportunities. Tell me now, don’t you agree it’s a load of monkey crap!
Things people say
A guy walked up to me the other day asking for a cigarette. When I flipped open my packet to him – he just casually pulled out a one and said, “I own you”. What???? I was freakin’ offended! I could sock his teeth out! Anyway, I just let it go and carried on with my life…
He walked up to me a few days later and this time I was about to put my lit cigarette up his if he decided to own me anymore! He handed me a cigarette and said, “Here’s the one that I own you”. My anger changed to amusement, I gave him back his cigarette and told him he doesn’t “owe” me anything!
A colleague in office was tired from fasting the entire day. He sent me a message asking, “Are you Hungary”. I replied saying, “No I’m India”. He obviously didn’t get it and no, we didn’t conquer the country together that evening.
One of the trainers in a team that I work with sent out an email to the technology team asking them to inform him when a particular request was complete. “Please intimidate me when this is complete”. (Come here you idiot and I’ll intimidate you)
I have a personal contribution too. And in what style. A vice-president asked me what time I usually work so we could schedule an interview. I mailed him back with the following information. “My shit starts at 8:30am and finishes at 5:30pm”. (I’m the worst case of Diarrhea multiplied 5 times). I only understood when he mailed back asking if that’s how I manage to remain so thin! I replied “Sorry, I meant my shift”.
And here’s my absolute favorite. A new Assistant Manager joined us. My boss asked him to send out some information to one of our clients with a CC to him. The client unsure of who the new assistant manager was mailed back asking who it was that sent the mail. My boss in a generous mood of including all our clients, senior management and us decided to introduce him as “Please welcome John Doe, our new Ass. Manager who will be working under me initially and will eventually move under Jane Smith” (Lucky John, Jane was kind of cute. I wonder what his job description says – “cleans bum to a sparkle”).
P.S. All the above incidents are true. Some were just typo horrors and some God’s creation horrors. I’ll update this as I remember more. It’s just funny how these things sound!
*Names changed in the last incident to protect identity.
He walked up to me a few days later and this time I was about to put my lit cigarette up his if he decided to own me anymore! He handed me a cigarette and said, “Here’s the one that I own you”. My anger changed to amusement, I gave him back his cigarette and told him he doesn’t “owe” me anything!
A colleague in office was tired from fasting the entire day. He sent me a message asking, “Are you Hungary”. I replied saying, “No I’m India”. He obviously didn’t get it and no, we didn’t conquer the country together that evening.
One of the trainers in a team that I work with sent out an email to the technology team asking them to inform him when a particular request was complete. “Please intimidate me when this is complete”. (Come here you idiot and I’ll intimidate you)
I have a personal contribution too. And in what style. A vice-president asked me what time I usually work so we could schedule an interview. I mailed him back with the following information. “My shit starts at 8:30am and finishes at 5:30pm”. (I’m the worst case of Diarrhea multiplied 5 times). I only understood when he mailed back asking if that’s how I manage to remain so thin! I replied “Sorry, I meant my shift”.
And here’s my absolute favorite. A new Assistant Manager joined us. My boss asked him to send out some information to one of our clients with a CC to him. The client unsure of who the new assistant manager was mailed back asking who it was that sent the mail. My boss in a generous mood of including all our clients, senior management and us decided to introduce him as “Please welcome John Doe, our new Ass. Manager who will be working under me initially and will eventually move under Jane Smith” (Lucky John, Jane was kind of cute. I wonder what his job description says – “cleans bum to a sparkle”).
P.S. All the above incidents are true. Some were just typo horrors and some God’s creation horrors. I’ll update this as I remember more. It’s just funny how these things sound!
*Names changed in the last incident to protect identity.
The Basketball Theory
I started playing ball when I was 13 and have had the fortune of playing with some of the best players of the game I know (in Pune). These guys have at some time or other said things which would stick in my head for many many years. Some were just incidents. These were simple but great lessons. This will be a rather boring post in comparison to some of the other stuff I’ve written. But it’s my blog and I feel this should have been one of my earliest entries. This is how it’ll flow – I write about the incident and then the lesson I was taught. À la Aesop’s fables.
At age 14 I was playing in what I called my home court. The AFMC. After a couple years I could beat most people at a 3 pointer contest on this court. No, I wasn’t that good by then, it was the practice there. A senior team called the 101 (one-o-one) battalion was playing against the AFMC team while I sat along the sides and watched. The 101 team would always be one of the greatest teams I’d watched playing the game. They were like synchronized dancers. They played the game with the grace of ballet dancers.
When they fell a player short and when a guy from the team asked me if I wanted to join them. I looked at him as if he’d asked me out and nodded my head affirmatively (my heart wanted to say no). Clifford was the probably the best among the team. I played with them for the next 30 minutes or so and I wasn’t even bad. The game was won and we sat down along the side-lines when Cliff turned to me and said, “I’ve seen you play on the other side with those kids – you play well. If you want to be better never play with people of your standard or below. Find better players”. That was lesson 1.
The year was 1998. I was playing in the school team at Pune region. This is where I would meet my most unlikely basketball partner. He and I played on the same team for 5 years. 2 years in school and 3 years in college. Amrit – the baby faced assassin. It was strange – I did not even know his name when we started playing and by the end of it between the both of us we had torn apart the defense of several teams. What I loved about playing alongside him was his ability to sense an improvisation by reading my expressions. We made an awesome two-some (at basketball).
Two years later – Amrit and I joined college together. A personal minor tragedy in the 12th standard results made us thick friends. We walked into the college court with two guys called Anand and Sarang playing 1 on 1. They asked if we “knew” how to play and wanted to join them in a 2 on 2 half court. Race to 20 baskets. We won 20 – 2. Anand and Sarang were the college team captain and vice-captain respectively. We found this out after we’d thrashed them and their ego. “Ignorance is bliss”. That was lesson 2.
I left this one to be the last but this was certainly the most important lesson. Lynell and I were played football with a team called Genesis. The guys decided to play at a local district level basketball tournament the following weekend. This was the summer of 1999. We were 5 guys who were to play the tournament with 2 more people from AFMC. In all a team of 7 to play a “dawn to dusk”. Anyone with any knowledge of the game will tell you having just 7 people, is a very bad idea. The main guys in that team were Sandesh and Suraj. These guys have been friend since they were like kids. They’re about 13 or 14 years older than me and carried the reputation of Stockton and Malone.
I’m going to cut this one short (realizing it is in fact very boring). So we reached the semi-finals of this tournament where we played 101. Sandesh sat by the side eating bananas before the game and asked me to chill. “Marange” is what is he said. This was a team of demi gods he was talking about. Sure enough we beat them by 1 point. I’d meet Clifford the next day and he told me Sandesh taught him and almost everyone else on the team how to play when they were kids. “Don’t teach daddy (respect the experience)”. That was lesson 3.
I can’t say I apply any of these to my everyday life. The game taught me a lot of things. The most important ones being to never give up and always have a strategy.
To think about it – basketball as a game teaches you not to use your strengths so much as to use your opponent’s weakness to win. Strange - it never occurred to me in all these years.
At age 14 I was playing in what I called my home court. The AFMC. After a couple years I could beat most people at a 3 pointer contest on this court. No, I wasn’t that good by then, it was the practice there. A senior team called the 101 (one-o-one) battalion was playing against the AFMC team while I sat along the sides and watched. The 101 team would always be one of the greatest teams I’d watched playing the game. They were like synchronized dancers. They played the game with the grace of ballet dancers.
When they fell a player short and when a guy from the team asked me if I wanted to join them. I looked at him as if he’d asked me out and nodded my head affirmatively (my heart wanted to say no). Clifford was the probably the best among the team. I played with them for the next 30 minutes or so and I wasn’t even bad. The game was won and we sat down along the side-lines when Cliff turned to me and said, “I’ve seen you play on the other side with those kids – you play well. If you want to be better never play with people of your standard or below. Find better players”. That was lesson 1.
The year was 1998. I was playing in the school team at Pune region. This is where I would meet my most unlikely basketball partner. He and I played on the same team for 5 years. 2 years in school and 3 years in college. Amrit – the baby faced assassin. It was strange – I did not even know his name when we started playing and by the end of it between the both of us we had torn apart the defense of several teams. What I loved about playing alongside him was his ability to sense an improvisation by reading my expressions. We made an awesome two-some (at basketball).
Two years later – Amrit and I joined college together. A personal minor tragedy in the 12th standard results made us thick friends. We walked into the college court with two guys called Anand and Sarang playing 1 on 1. They asked if we “knew” how to play and wanted to join them in a 2 on 2 half court. Race to 20 baskets. We won 20 – 2. Anand and Sarang were the college team captain and vice-captain respectively. We found this out after we’d thrashed them and their ego. “Ignorance is bliss”. That was lesson 2.
I left this one to be the last but this was certainly the most important lesson. Lynell and I were played football with a team called Genesis. The guys decided to play at a local district level basketball tournament the following weekend. This was the summer of 1999. We were 5 guys who were to play the tournament with 2 more people from AFMC. In all a team of 7 to play a “dawn to dusk”. Anyone with any knowledge of the game will tell you having just 7 people, is a very bad idea. The main guys in that team were Sandesh and Suraj. These guys have been friend since they were like kids. They’re about 13 or 14 years older than me and carried the reputation of Stockton and Malone.
I’m going to cut this one short (realizing it is in fact very boring). So we reached the semi-finals of this tournament where we played 101. Sandesh sat by the side eating bananas before the game and asked me to chill. “Marange” is what is he said. This was a team of demi gods he was talking about. Sure enough we beat them by 1 point. I’d meet Clifford the next day and he told me Sandesh taught him and almost everyone else on the team how to play when they were kids. “Don’t teach daddy (respect the experience)”. That was lesson 3.
I can’t say I apply any of these to my everyday life. The game taught me a lot of things. The most important ones being to never give up and always have a strategy.
To think about it – basketball as a game teaches you not to use your strengths so much as to use your opponent’s weakness to win. Strange - it never occurred to me in all these years.
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