Friendship Day!

Someone came running upto me in office today and asked me if I was going to be in office tomorrow for sure. I said I was sure I would be. She then asked me to be present in the conference room at 6:00pm. I told her that I couldn't promise that 'cause I'm sure I have something at that time.

They're playing some kind of a game in office (oh sorry, it's called "having an activity"), since the 2nd of Aug is Friendship Day (I don't believe we're "having an activity" for it) and some girl picked up a chit with my name on it, now she's supposed to do something to make my day. I have no clue of who the girl is or what she's about to do. Not that it'll take much in office for anyone to make my day (I'm so screwed most of the time). It didn't end there. A guy walked up to me later in the day and asked me again to be there "Atleast just for 10 minutes".

I don't think I ever celebrated Friendship day. I mean how do you celebrate it anyway? I remember in 1999 when a few people in school came up with Friendship bands to me. After the 2nd band, I took them off an put it in my pocket. Now every person that gave me a band, I'd just take out someone else's from my pocket and give it to them. "Very Smart", huh? Actually not. A girl gave me very pretty band that she made herself. Really colorful for my taste. There was a wierd design on it, which looked something like “П7IN”. I obviously gave it away to someone else. This girl came up to me later that day with the very band that she'd given me. I tried to tell her that it wasn't the same band - only for her to put it on my hand and make me realise she'd put her name "NILU" on it.

It's funny how apprehension builds up on you. I'm not excitied or anything but I have to admit in some corner I'm a little nervous. Infact I'm hoping she doesn't sing me a song or do something over the top, 'cause I'd be very embarrassed. I've never been able to take attention too well.

Well, more tomorrow on this then (if it's worth it, that is).

P.S. The story about Nilu is true. The worst part is that there were witnesses to this episode, who for the next 3 or 4 years would remind of it.
And please try not to judge the girl because her name is Nilu!

Torn

I had this very strange feeling out of the blue today that completely over-whelmed me. I realised that I've become this very logical person. Not to say logical as in I developed a sudden sense of logical ability, but like a person who uses their head above the heart.

I was generally considered to be a rather emotional guy by most people who know me. I would much rather deal with the heart, than from the head. Most people (I think) even like me for being that way. But not me. No. I hated being so foolish.

I could talk to people for hours at times. I had so many friends that I could bet each time I went out, I'd bump into someone that was genuinely happy to see me. I think I even cared about most people. About what they'd feel, what they'd think, et cetra, et cetra. But I'm sure I was told that I'm a nice guy! I was so full of energy all the time. I had so many things to do.

I don't know what's made me this way now. It could be my job, my stint at Noida or simply just circumstances. The point is that I've now become quite practical in a lot of ways.

I pick up my phone sometimes and don't really know who to call. Even if I do talk, I'm struggling to keep the conversation alive after 2 minutes (on a good day). It's funny because some of these people I could really talk to. I can't talk about anything but work and I'm supposed to have a pretty normal life (?) outside of it. I have this little comfort zone and NOBODY'S allowed inside. Most people think I'm a very boring person. I'd much rather stay home and sleep than meet anyone. The strangest part is I like myself this way.

Today something made me realise how much distance I've put between myself and people. I see I've become a person that I would pity in my former state. I see my old self in people and feel sorry that they feel that they can't even communicate with me. The hardest part is I still sleep so peacefully. The selfishness takes charge. Having said that - I think I make better decisions now. They are all for me. How I feel, how I want, what suits me.

I wonder what happened.

P.S. "I believe whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you stranger" - The Joker

Name Calling

“Hey John! I need access to xyz”
“Sure Martin. I’ll need your details. What’s you full name”
“Martin Meganath”
“Martin.. WHAAAAAAT???”
“Meganath”
“Meck-an-at??”
“NO!!! MAY-GA-NATH (pronounced like bath)”
“Dude! Seriously???”
“Yeah”***

“What’s in a name” he said. Thankfully William your parents didn’t give you a name like Dick or something! I can bet you wouldn’t be half as popular. And if you studied in a school anything like mine, you may have even killed yourself let alone have a creative side.

I was listening to this Hindi item song (one of the originals) called “Laila o Laila”. I’m sure every Indian has heard this song (unless they’re pretending). Going back on the origin of the name, Laila is like the Juliet (of the Romeo fame) of India. Or is she really? The name now sounds more lewd than anything. Consider this statement, “Aaja meri Laila”. See what I mean? Personally I think it’s a beautiful name. But it’s amazing how a name can be ruined. Let’s take another example of her beau “Majnu”. He’s like the Romeo of India. Now think about this, “Saale, Majnu ki aulad”. I’ve heard that one in so many Hindi movies. Mostly used to signify a hopeless and helpless romantic. How many of you would name your children that any more. Or for that matter would you even call your son “Romeo”. (The Alfa Romeo is a car. Which means, scientifically speaking it is non-living and hence does not care what you call it.)

I’ve got friends with very normal names. Like Vikram Bhalla, Lynell Fernandes, Rashmi Nambiar, Shweta Gaikwad, Tarun Menon etc. See how well the last name just glides through your mouth after the first name. So smooth! Now try saying my name with the same glide effect! It just doesn’t happen. Does it?? I did know a guy called Benjamin Gole (pronounced GO-LAY). He had a very positive effect on me whenever he was around (I wonder why?). Until I heard he’s in London and now calls himself Benjamin Gole (pronounced GOAL). Very sweet Ben Go”Fucking”Lay! Now that he’s anglicized his name, I’m left out.

I remember this one incident when I was in college. A new Kashmiri girl joined the college. Cute as a dollop of ice-cream. I was helping her fill out some forms (obviously with help as the only intention), when I had to get her last name. “TIKOO”, she said. I couldn’t fill out those forms. I couldn’t even stand. I was laughing so hard, that I developed a six pack in 15 minutes. She stood there staring at me with those very innocent eyes as if to say, “it’s not my fault”. She never spoke to me again.

Please people give your children names that rhyme and match. If you’re about to cross breed, please make sure the name isn’t mutli-ethnic. It sucks to have to try to explain to people how you landed up with a weird ass name.

***E-MAIL from johnb@abc.com
Dear Martin Meganath,
I have given you access per your request. Please check and let me know if you have any trouble.
Regards,
John Blierschinestcsky.

“John, what your last name”
“BLY-ER-CHIN-EST-TSKY”
“Loser”!

Bored Shitless too!!

At one point or another all of us use the morbid “I’m bored”. I use it far more often than most, I think. I was so bored that I actually decided to sit down and think why is it that we get bored? You can imagine the intensity of my boredom; me having to sit down and think about being bored.

My work leads me to think of every thing as a project. There’s a certain amount of improvement that can be done in everything. If you can’t identify what can be improved you simply screw up something that’s working absolutely well and then come back to the original way of doing it; thereby showing improvement. This isn’t my philosophy – it’s de facto. And yes, everyone here has heard of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. But sorry, that does not make a “good organization” a “great organization” (or something like that).

Getting back to where I was – bored. I asked a few around me what they do when they’re bored. The answers were far from satisfying and even further from an iota of intelligence. Examples – “I watch TV”, “I read a book”, “I go for a drive”, “I listen to music”, “I shag” (honestly that was one of them), etc. So I rephrased the question and asked them what they do if they’re bored in office. The answers this time were just as unintelligent but at least I now know who I should keep away from. Examples – “I read a book”, “I listen to music”, “I shag” (in office!!!!!), etc.

Some times you have to look for the answers within yourself.

Now I decided I would do some introspection to understand what the moments are where I’m bored. So I sat down to think and the first thought that came to my mind was, “This is so freakin’ boring”. I stopped the introspection right there. This project was going to be a complete failure. Wait, I forgot the rules.

I sat down and listed the things that bore me and took a step further and weighed them on a 10 point scale. 10 bringing out the suicidal tendencies hidden in some far corner of my brain.

1. Driving (2)
2. Dressing up (2)
3. Talking on the phone (3)
4. Watching a movie (this implies random movies) (5)
5. Coffee (5)
6. Listening to people’s problems (6)
7. Looking at other peoples family photographs (6)
8. Listening to people talking about other peoples problems (8)
9. Dinners (7)
10. Official dinners (8)
11. Making a presentation (8.5)
12. Presenting the presentation (9)
13. Talking to certain people (10, could even be 11 or 12)
14. Coming to office ( certainly 11)

I was beginning get somewhere now.

First rule of improvement – identify the problem (or not). Second rule of improvement – define the problem (“Jack” is an acceptable definition). Third rule of improvement – come up with possible solutions (one of which can be to create another problem). Last and final rule of improvement – sustain the solution (the working of which you will understand as you read further).

Here’s what I have been doing of late (purposely written in a figure of speech to make it sound like some rules).

Go to office regularly (haven’t missed a day in 3 months), make it a point to find the most obnoxiously boring character and start up a conversation about someone else’s problems and then sit back and thank the penal code that killing people is illegal. Ask them about their family and tell them you want to see pictures. Then ask them why their “taya ji” is so ugly and listen to how he takes to his mother’s father’s brother. This should be done twice a day, 5 days a week (too much of anything is not good – remember?)

You can always find that absolutely useless thing to make a presentation about. Trust me when you go to office 3 months straight, this becomes a cake walk. Make that presentation with totally irrelevant clip art. Like, put the clip art of Santa Claus on a slide that’s titled “Solution”. Then make it a point to gather a huge audience and ramble on and on about the presentation – till you get that feeling in your chest that doesn’t let you sleep if you’re not in the right position. After that call for a dinner (make it official so you don’t have to pay) and continue discussion on your useless presentation.

After about a month of doing this, I went out for a smoke alone, picked up a coffee on the way. While I smoked I spoke for about 4 minutes on the phone. I like driving around these days and even dress up to take a dump. I don’t feel so bored doing nothing anymore.

Today while I was smoking FB came and said, “Do you know that girl in the HR team? Her brother’s wife’s cousin was fined yesterday for DUI”.

“Really?? Tell me more about it”.

Last and final rule of improvement – sustain the solution.

P.S. Acupressure treatment for a headache is to clamp down hard the soft area that connects the index finger and the thumb. The idea is to cause so much pain that you forget the headache. Really.

She & He

“All men are Bastards”, she said slamming the door behind her, almost breaking his nose in the process (intentionally). He was too proud to call her back; she was even more to agree it was her fault as much as his. Days passed and became weeks – the hatchet was buried. They were the ‘perfect’ couple again.
She always liked to walk two steps ahead of him. It made her feel superior. She was always the boss and this is how it was going to be forever between them. She asked him to pick her up every day from the gym. As usual they drove to the juice bar. She would have the mixed fruit drink and he nothing. She would tell him about how she felt good about her body and how he was so lazy. She would always want him to hit the gym with her. He preferred his Saturday tennis. She loved loud parties and somehow so did he. She’d complain how he drank too much and how he’d never change. She would be the life of every gathering and he, the quiet one in the corner. She’d flirt with every man, letting him know how lucky he was to have her and he’d just smile as it happened. She’d make small talk with the most boring of people and he was one of the boring people. Her friends hated him for being such a loser and she never met his friends.
This went on until she found someone ‘better’.

As she slammed the door on his face, he turned around throwing his fists in the air. He could now watch “The Assassins”. He knew she would be okay in a few days and it was fruitless trying to apologise. It would only feed her ego all the more.
He always let her walk two steps ahead. It was easier for him to ogle at the other women and sometimes at her behind (he told her the ‘exercises’ for the gym). He’d let her be boss – at least he wouldn’t make any (wrong) decisions. He would pick her up from the gym when he knew she was tired and wouldn’t stick around him for long and in his defense he was meeting her everyday. He never understood 100 bucks for a glass of juice when he could have a pint of beer for 35! He could play tennis for 3 hours everyday (he chose only Saturday) and her less than 1 hour of gym was a story?? But he loved the loud parties. He didn’t have to talk and even better couldn’t listen to anything she was saying. He would drink his ass off so he could pretend he was drunk. That way no intense conversations would happen. As she flirted with the men he’d smile to himself hoping one of them would take his misery away. Or at least he was glad to share it!! He would be boring so he didn’t have to be pseudo. He would always tell his friends how irritating her friends were. “If you don’t use hair color worth 4000 bucks, you won’t need to buy shampoo worth 1000 every month to protect it”. It was a field day at the tennis court when he told them the stories. He was the most popular guy at the tennis court.
He celebrated the day she found someone ‘better’. “All men are Bastards”, they screamed as they slammed their 5th shot of tequila!

And they lived happily ever after.

Damn it!!

The next three posts were not written on the same day. It's just that the internet wasn't working at home.