With Ganesh Chaturthi start the festivities in our country. There's Navratri that follows culminating in Dussera, then there is Eid, Diwali, Another Eid (I think), Christmas and finally New year celebrations. And aren't these great times? Yes, for most. Not when you have middle class problems like mine. Read on.
The idea of celebration is usually blaring music, crackers, colours, dancing and if you can't afford a DJ bring on those massive drums that have a 4 feet diameter and whack them with 2 feet of bamboo sticks to make the loudest possible noise. And then do it again. It actually begins to sound like a beat now. Too add to that get a few massive cymbals and plonk them against each other in a random but repetitive fashion. I even saw a bunch whacking empty oxygen cylinders with a hammer to make the noise a lot louder. I must mention, they were extremely successful and noisy. I guess some people do celebrate that way (it's like how some people blast music in their cars or houses or both). But frankly, I will never understand it. Especially because I'm generally intolerant towards noise and mostly because I'm not FUCKING DEAF and my car alarm goes off way too often when this happens. Last night, I swear, I hoped the battery would just die so the car would stop going "cheeen cheeen"! This went on till 2:00am (way past my bed time). My other problem is that I now started imagining it went off again in my sleep. Which meant, I kept waking up almost every 3 minutes. Okay, maybe it was 7. Or 12. Fine, 20 minutes but that's the last.
Don't get me wrong. I love festivals. I love the colour and music it brings. But I have to say, the dances are just wrong. Skinny guys, sticking their tongues out and trying to do a Micheal Jackson hip thrust (while grabbing their crotch, in some cases the crotch of guy next to them) is not an attractive sight at all. The worst sight is when a fat guy shows up and starts looking for his crotch and then his skinny friends (with the tongue still stuck out), try to help him. Finally, they just use iPhone 5 maps and start feeling up a random fat lady's bottom. But it's festival mood so she doesn't mind till the noise stops. Then she realises both her hands are raised in the air (in some weird form of dance) and yet her bum is being touched and she doesn't remember the last time another living thing touched her buttocks and turns around and slaps the first skinny guy she sees. And then the noise starts again. There's a crowd murmuring that now fills the air with two sides explaining how the omnipresent buttocks got touched. It results with cop cars with blaring sirens arriving at the spot and announcing on loud speakers for the crowds to "chill out". But bums have been touched, and bums will be broken for that. This is 2:00am and one of them gets bumped against a certain car that goes "cheeen cheeen". Suddenly we have a winner. The crowd disperses and I am still awake hoping the battery will die with this occurrence. Finally I lay my head down on a soft pillow but with an overworked brain. I'm filled with imagination of it going off every 20 minutes (as agreed earlier) that does not let me sleep. I hear it loud and clear at 6:00am again, possibly when the guy came to wash the car. I didn't sleep at all since.
At 9:00am after a long cold shower that washed off the memories of a haggard arse getting unnecessary attention, I took my car to a Maruti showroom and told them to whatever it took to let me sleep in peace. A little guy walked out, opened the bonnet of the car and pulled a little plug (the size of one of those skinny boy's little toe nail) and I was sorted. It took him 10 seconds to put me out of my misery. I would not have noticed any thing had I decided on this a day earlier. Also, he did it for free. I accept defeat to that fucking alarm. It's caused too much trouble now and I'm happy it's gone.
I looked out of the window today only to see a woman with an enormous behind almost crushing my right rear view mirror. But I can handle that, I can.
The idea of celebration is usually blaring music, crackers, colours, dancing and if you can't afford a DJ bring on those massive drums that have a 4 feet diameter and whack them with 2 feet of bamboo sticks to make the loudest possible noise. And then do it again. It actually begins to sound like a beat now. Too add to that get a few massive cymbals and plonk them against each other in a random but repetitive fashion. I even saw a bunch whacking empty oxygen cylinders with a hammer to make the noise a lot louder. I must mention, they were extremely successful and noisy. I guess some people do celebrate that way (it's like how some people blast music in their cars or houses or both). But frankly, I will never understand it. Especially because I'm generally intolerant towards noise and mostly because I'm not FUCKING DEAF and my car alarm goes off way too often when this happens. Last night, I swear, I hoped the battery would just die so the car would stop going "cheeen cheeen"! This went on till 2:00am (way past my bed time). My other problem is that I now started imagining it went off again in my sleep. Which meant, I kept waking up almost every 3 minutes. Okay, maybe it was 7. Or 12. Fine, 20 minutes but that's the last.
Don't get me wrong. I love festivals. I love the colour and music it brings. But I have to say, the dances are just wrong. Skinny guys, sticking their tongues out and trying to do a Micheal Jackson hip thrust (while grabbing their crotch, in some cases the crotch of guy next to them) is not an attractive sight at all. The worst sight is when a fat guy shows up and starts looking for his crotch and then his skinny friends (with the tongue still stuck out), try to help him. Finally, they just use iPhone 5 maps and start feeling up a random fat lady's bottom. But it's festival mood so she doesn't mind till the noise stops. Then she realises both her hands are raised in the air (in some weird form of dance) and yet her bum is being touched and she doesn't remember the last time another living thing touched her buttocks and turns around and slaps the first skinny guy she sees. And then the noise starts again. There's a crowd murmuring that now fills the air with two sides explaining how the omnipresent buttocks got touched. It results with cop cars with blaring sirens arriving at the spot and announcing on loud speakers for the crowds to "chill out". But bums have been touched, and bums will be broken for that. This is 2:00am and one of them gets bumped against a certain car that goes "cheeen cheeen". Suddenly we have a winner. The crowd disperses and I am still awake hoping the battery will die with this occurrence. Finally I lay my head down on a soft pillow but with an overworked brain. I'm filled with imagination of it going off every 20 minutes (as agreed earlier) that does not let me sleep. I hear it loud and clear at 6:00am again, possibly when the guy came to wash the car. I didn't sleep at all since.
At 9:00am after a long cold shower that washed off the memories of a haggard arse getting unnecessary attention, I took my car to a Maruti showroom and told them to whatever it took to let me sleep in peace. A little guy walked out, opened the bonnet of the car and pulled a little plug (the size of one of those skinny boy's little toe nail) and I was sorted. It took him 10 seconds to put me out of my misery. I would not have noticed any thing had I decided on this a day earlier. Also, he did it for free. I accept defeat to that fucking alarm. It's caused too much trouble now and I'm happy it's gone.
I looked out of the window today only to see a woman with an enormous behind almost crushing my right rear view mirror. But I can handle that, I can.
