Dear Ex...

Dear Ex(es),

Hope this post finds you in the best of health (honestly, I don't care!).

I saw a friend turn from jolly to jelly in about 2 minutes the other night and it made me think later about all the things that people want to say to their exes. That by the way is the plural of Ex and "exs" sounds wrong. You get the point, don't you? He was at one moment talking about all his "good times" and in another he was as hurt as a naked guy sliding down a razor's edge and using his balls as breaks (I heard that in class 7 and it still hurts)!!

Now why is the nice person always left behind in a relationship (or the lack of it)? Why do the good one's end up being hurt? Why do they get scarred forever? Why do they become like dogs that have always been tied up and beaten, then one day when they were freed they bit the first person who came along lovingly? That last one was not mine but had to be included in here for it's sentimental and contextual reasons. The smart among us already know what I mean. (Note - Smart is singular). The answer is because they are STUPID! Sorry dudes and dudettes who thought I was writing for you.

So, my dear exes, I thank you for making me this way today. I know if I lose someone I will get over it. I know every girl I meet when I'm single is a potential ex-girlfriend (reference of the dog comes in here). I don't really care about most people anyway. Which also means there are those very few I do care about. Those are the one's that are extremely close to me. I will not discuss their lives (mentioning one line in a post is not discussing BTW) with anyone and even more I will not discuss my relationship with them. I'm not being protective, don't get me wrong - it's just lesser effort when they join your club and even lesser effort to make myself look like a boring person so I don't have to make small talk with anyone.

I know how much you must hate me. I know you must curse me at times and even feel pity for me. Good on you - cause I'm indifferent. Like I said I don't care. I've heard so many say "You'll never find a person like me". Sweetie if I don't want you, why THE HELL would I want a person like you? I can live with hurting someone now cause I know they'll eventually get over it, so don't bother to lump your sob stories on me. Another one bites the dust. You got what you deserved and so did I. Fin!

Love always,

Martin

P.S. This post is not targeted at anyone. Especially none of my Exes. (Did that help????). I guess not! But honestly, it's meant for a friend who I'm sure will pick it up in the morning and have a smile on his face (hunting season begins!).

Smoking Kills Ver2.0

I met “FB” again today in the smoking area. For someone who doesn’t smoke she sure spends a lot of time there. I don’t want to take credit for providing the motivation but I’m beginning to get worried now. Maybe she just wants to learn the art of smoking!

Well, whatever! She came with this other girl who is incredibly hot! She’s so hot that when she walks out the entire building stops (including the air conditioning)! I know her (not at a personal level) and strangely she knows me too. Maybe FB should be inspired by me!! And then it happens all over again!

HG stands for HOT GIRL!!

HG – Why do you smoke?
ME – (drool) (drool) (drool).. I dlon’t klow! (Too much drool)
HG – Sorry, what were saying?
ME – I was saying that can I just put one finger on you?
HG – You seem like a guy who knows the ill effects of smoking.
ME – Yes I do – in fact I think I’m having that heart attack right now.
HG – So, how many cigarettes do you smoke in a day?
ME – 15. (Yes – that’s all I could say)
HG – You’re the perfect recipe for impotency!
ME – No, I’m fine. Just give me one chance to prove it to you!
HG – I hate people who smoke.
ME – I like you too!
HG – Smokers have no aesthetic sense.
ME – I’ll always keep you happy.
HG – Plus, you people keep stubbing your cigarettes all over the place.
ME – You smell like heaven (am I dead??).
HG – I don’t want to lecture you because I know you probably think I’m just another person blabbering some random nonsense.
ME – Keep talking. I love your voice!
HG – You should quit.
ME – Right away sweetheart (cigarette stubbed!)
HG – So how long have you been smoking?
ME – For the last 5 minutes (chuckle!)
HG – Very funny! I meant how many years?
ME – A life time with you!
HG – When did you have your first cigarette?
ME – You have very pretty feet!
HG – I have to go now
ME – (The Def Leppard song “Two steps behind” playing in my head)
HG – Ciao!
ME – (“I’ll be two steps behind…..”)
HG – See you later
ME – (How does the second stanza start?)
HG – And stop smoking!
ME – Okay! (If it wasn’t for the smoking would you ever speak to me?)

Smoking I guess isn’t bad for me after all. (She said “See you later”! YES! YES!!)

P.S. This conversation never happened! FB did come to the smoking zone and “talked” for a bit. I tuned off completely and imagined a hot girl talking to me.

FB – Hey, where are you lost?
ME – Thank Jesus for imagination! “Ciao”!!

Michael.

Michael Jackson died on the 25th of June. It was the death of an entire generation of music and the term legend was so small.

I spoke to a couple of people the next day and got some very mixed reactions. Some very sad, some not so sad, some accepting of the inevitable and some, those very few were in a way amused! It shocked everyone nevertheless. I was at least. I watched the whole episode unfold.

Now obviously this post isn't going to state the facts of what happened. Most people are probably just as aware as I am.

I listened to Michael Jackson's music as early as 1987 - really! My dad was a fan and though I didn't know who he was and way he sang like he had a flute stuck in his throat, I still liked the sound of "Billie Jean". Almost everyone will have a story relating to one of his songs. I remember having a friend (girl) who cried while watching the video for "Will you be there". It's another story that Jackson was singing that song ironically for a movie called Free "Willy". "Heal the world" was another wonder that somehow everyone had heard. My maid's children would come home when she was working and ask us to play "My-Kal Jak-Sun". That was his reach. I knew people who dedicated many years to the art of learning the moon-walk and could only master the crotch-grabbing move (not that it took any practice - but some still got it wrong, hurting themselves in a way that I can't imagine)!

I could tell you a lot of things about Michael Jackson or you could hit wikipedia yourself. Latter saves me the effort.

There were so many stories about him but few knew he was never convicted for Paedophilia. Money or Power you may say. Richard Nixon and Watergate happened in the same country I say. Wacko-Jacko may have been a very harsh nick to carry around for a guy who sold out for 50 shows between 2009 and 2010 in London way in advance. £85 million lost. The 39 charities he supported may not think of him as wacko, 13 Grammys and 13 number 1 singles, all albums at platinum and Guinness book's greatest entertainer ever is gone.

I heard a piece of news yesterday on BBC America - where a man named Sasha (yes, SASHA) said how Michael Jackson would have never been the same to his fans even if he was alive. The idiot (Sasha).

Some people even thought Michael was a faggot! Now at least hold to one thing. Faggot, pedo, wacko - none every proved. Thanks to the media they killed him before he was dead.

A good friend of mine – who is a huge hard rock fan once told me “No matter who or what you listen to, it could be Britney Spears or Black Sabbath, Michael Jackson is still the greatest ever”.

This post was not meant to preach anything. It was just my piece for Michael Jackson. The rest can “Beat it”.

It's Gooood!

I've realised that writing on my blog makes me let out a lot of things I want to otherwise say, but I don't (refer to networking, Industrial waste and the "my precious" - smoking kills).

Gona's getting married to Sonali. 16th Feb. He didn't tell me this, she did. It's a classic Gona and a classic Sonali. I'm very happy for both of them inspite of knowing that it just gave my mother a memory recall.

Vikram has almost got a new girl friend! She's very sweet (if my drunken memory serves me well) and (in his own words, not mine) HOT! So, he's getting back to his ways which I shall not specify here for the benefit of the audience this can reach.

Me? I'm always good!

It's all good!!

Smoking Kills??

It’s been a talk that I’ve received so often. I’m immune to this (usually one way) conversation. But somehow today, I ‘reacted’ to this fat girl telling me the many ill effects of smoking. Here’s how the conversation went.

(For the sake of my lethargy we shall call this girl FB and you can assume what FB is!)

FB – How many cigarettes do you smoke in a day?
ME – Less than the number of times you eat in a day.
FB – Do you know each cigarette takes away 5 minutes of your life?
ME – Why am I spending those 5 minutes talking to you anyway?
FB – Smoking kills you slowly!
ME – Cholesterol kills you too – and you’re hardly living.
FB – You’ll lose all your stamina, and won’t be able to ‘perform’.
ME – Stamina??? You’re definition of stamina must be picking up your derrière from the chair to stand up and do you even get the chance to perform?
FB – I don’t believe you still play sports.
ME – I don’ believe you know ‘bout sports!!
FB – Smoking fills your lungs with (after a little thinking) … smoke!
ME – Fat fills your arteries and your fat arse!
FB – You’ll never get your wife pregnant!
ME – With you, I can’t tell the difference!!
FB – I hear when you smoke too much, you lose your appetite.
ME – When I see you eat, I lose my appetite.
FB – That’s why you’re so thin.
ME – Maybe you should smoke too.
FB – You have dark circles because you smoke – you look like Frankenstein.
ME – You look like Jabba the Hutt!!
FB – I’ll never be married to a guy that smokes!
ME – You’ll never be married, hun!
FB – My uncle who used to smoke had a heart attack at the age of 50.
ME – My uncle who ate like a pig had a heart attack at the age of 35, and DIED!!
FB – You’re burning your money.
ME – You’re shitting most of it out!
FB – Do you think you can quit?
ME – Talking to you – yeah, sure as hell!!
FB – I know you’re not even listening to me.
ME – You’re still talking.
FB – What do you get out of smoking?
ME – Umm… smoke!?!
FB – I think smoking should be banned.
ME – Fatness should be a criminal offence liable to death penalty without a trial (or simply, who cares what you think!)
FB – Smoking makes you look older and you’ll get haggard by the age of 40!
ME – You are already ugly – and you are only 23?
FB – How old were you when you started smoking?
ME – How fat were you when you stopped trying to thin down?
FB – Your smoking pollutes the environment!
ME – No sweetie, that’s just the layer of adipose tissue on your eyes – the environment is fine!
FB – Smoking make you unacceptable in social circles!
ME – Circle – the ROUND shape!! Right!
FB – You spend 50 bucks smoking each day?????
ME – You spent 80 grand trying out that new diet!
FB – I’m on a GM diet now.
ME – That’s why they went bankrupt (GM is almost digested – BURP!!).
FB – Doesn’t your mom say anything to you?
ME – Yeah, she says don’t be mean to fat people!*
FB – Anyway my break is over (I’m going to eat again).
ME – Great, I’ll have another smoke, in peace this time.
FB – By the way, I said all that because I care!
ME – Nice try! I don’t!
FB – I think you’d be cuter if you stopped smoking.
ME – I think you’d be cuter if you were a buffalo!
FB – Anyway, hope I see you later!
ME – I don’t have the choice – I will see you. You are all over the place.

*It’s a different matter that the “ME” part of this conversation was happening in my head (but exactly in the order I put it). You see, I do listen to my mom!

P.S. I wanted to start this post with “I have nothing against fat people”. But once I finished, I realized it would be a futile attempt at convincing anyone!