Smoking Kills??

It’s been a talk that I’ve received so often. I’m immune to this (usually one way) conversation. But somehow today, I ‘reacted’ to this fat girl telling me the many ill effects of smoking. Here’s how the conversation went.

(For the sake of my lethargy we shall call this girl FB and you can assume what FB is!)

FB – How many cigarettes do you smoke in a day?
ME – Less than the number of times you eat in a day.
FB – Do you know each cigarette takes away 5 minutes of your life?
ME – Why am I spending those 5 minutes talking to you anyway?
FB – Smoking kills you slowly!
ME – Cholesterol kills you too – and you’re hardly living.
FB – You’ll lose all your stamina, and won’t be able to ‘perform’.
ME – Stamina??? You’re definition of stamina must be picking up your derrière from the chair to stand up and do you even get the chance to perform?
FB – I don’t believe you still play sports.
ME – I don’ believe you know ‘bout sports!!
FB – Smoking fills your lungs with (after a little thinking) … smoke!
ME – Fat fills your arteries and your fat arse!
FB – You’ll never get your wife pregnant!
ME – With you, I can’t tell the difference!!
FB – I hear when you smoke too much, you lose your appetite.
ME – When I see you eat, I lose my appetite.
FB – That’s why you’re so thin.
ME – Maybe you should smoke too.
FB – You have dark circles because you smoke – you look like Frankenstein.
ME – You look like Jabba the Hutt!!
FB – I’ll never be married to a guy that smokes!
ME – You’ll never be married, hun!
FB – My uncle who used to smoke had a heart attack at the age of 50.
ME – My uncle who ate like a pig had a heart attack at the age of 35, and DIED!!
FB – You’re burning your money.
ME – You’re shitting most of it out!
FB – Do you think you can quit?
ME – Talking to you – yeah, sure as hell!!
FB – I know you’re not even listening to me.
ME – You’re still talking.
FB – What do you get out of smoking?
ME – Umm… smoke!?!
FB – I think smoking should be banned.
ME – Fatness should be a criminal offence liable to death penalty without a trial (or simply, who cares what you think!)
FB – Smoking makes you look older and you’ll get haggard by the age of 40!
ME – You are already ugly – and you are only 23?
FB – How old were you when you started smoking?
ME – How fat were you when you stopped trying to thin down?
FB – Your smoking pollutes the environment!
ME – No sweetie, that’s just the layer of adipose tissue on your eyes – the environment is fine!
FB – Smoking make you unacceptable in social circles!
ME – Circle – the ROUND shape!! Right!
FB – You spend 50 bucks smoking each day?????
ME – You spent 80 grand trying out that new diet!
FB – I’m on a GM diet now.
ME – That’s why they went bankrupt (GM is almost digested – BURP!!).
FB – Doesn’t your mom say anything to you?
ME – Yeah, she says don’t be mean to fat people!*
FB – Anyway my break is over (I’m going to eat again).
ME – Great, I’ll have another smoke, in peace this time.
FB – By the way, I said all that because I care!
ME – Nice try! I don’t!
FB – I think you’d be cuter if you stopped smoking.
ME – I think you’d be cuter if you were a buffalo!
FB – Anyway, hope I see you later!
ME – I don’t have the choice – I will see you. You are all over the place.

*It’s a different matter that the “ME” part of this conversation was happening in my head (but exactly in the order I put it). You see, I do listen to my mom!

P.S. I wanted to start this post with “I have nothing against fat people”. But once I finished, I realized it would be a futile attempt at convincing anyone!